Abstruse one

When we were together, the only way I know how to describe the sense of calm in my soul is to compare it to the feeling of watching the sunset over the ocean on a summer’s evening, skin salty from the sea and sunkissed. That’s what it felt like to be with him. In the moment, it was amazing. I couldn’t believe that this part of my life was finally shifting, after so much pain and heartache, it was going to be different for me. But to be completely transparent, there were still anxieties. I wasn’t completely healed of the years of hurt I’d endured, all of the scars I’d earned and created for myself. . The uncertainties were coming from a learned fear, not an intuitive And I couldn’t fathom how something could feel so different, and end up the same.. But that wasn’t it.

I used to ask myself all kinds of questions about you. I wondered what you’d look like, if you’d have dark hair and gorgeous dark features. I wondered if you’d be tall, although you wouldn’t even have to hit 6 feet to tower above me. I often asked myself if you’d be funny. If you’d make me laugh in a kind of burn in my belly sort of way, or if I’d laugh along just because I’d like you so much. I’ve thought about conversations we’d have… and secretly I’ve had the entire back and forth dialogue between us in my own head, as I’m standing in the shower simultaneously contemplating my life choices. I’ve thought about television shows we’d watch together, and books you’d tell me to read. I thought about the way you’d say I love you, before we go to sleep at night, or how you’ll get along with my parents and I’ll adore yours. I’ve probably had thoughts about every conceivable aspect of what you’ll be like, and somehow I found it impossible to wrap my head around ever meeting y...

  The opposite of loneliness is intimacy  — the act of revealing your whole self to someone else and having them reciprocate. Intimacy is an act of love, an act of self-love, and an act of defiance all in one. It’s gritty, emotional, raw, unfiltered, unabashed, unpretentious and unguarded. It’s more than talking about things together. It’s being and becoming about things together. For what are we in this world if not connectable, interlocking parts? What is this joy, suffering, talent and wisdom, if not to be shared and imparted? How much has gone wasted or unremedied ,We worship, learn, aid, sing, watch, call, visit, fuck, create, talk, love, try, read and write to bring ourselves closer. To make whole what we lack in the emptiness of loneliness. Each deeper connection creates deeper character, with more room to grow, more to lose and more to become. A heart unbroken is a life unwagered. A dream undashed is a life unlived. To play safe, to pla...

How to *really* know you’re in love Because most of “the signs” they tell you are  garbage If you try to Google “how to know you’re in love,” you’re gonna have a bad time Because it’s mostly shit advice. Here’s a small sampling: “They’re always on your mind” This is infatuation. If someone’s “always” on your mind, you’re not focused on other Really Important Things. And that’s a problem. Real love  fits into  real life, rather than usurping it. It’s calm, not overwhelming. “You crave them” or “can’t get enough of them” See above. “They’re your ‘everything’” Ditto. “You see them in your future” “When I imagined my future job/location/adopted dog, they were always in the background of my imagination helping me out with whatever I was doing. My future just didn’t really make sense without them around.” Well, I mean,  damn . You fantasize long and hard enough, you can   see  anything  in your future — like I c...

“Listen Life, I know that everyone says that you are a bitch and maybe that is true. But listen to me, you are not going to control me! I am taking a pledge right now and I am deciding that I will be in control of you! You can try to knock me down, you can throw tons of challenges my way, go ahead, but I will be the one in control of how I deal with all of that! I will be the one that gets back up right after you’re done pushing me down. I will be the one that will face the challenges you throw my way. I will be the one doing all of that and a whole lot more! So by all means, be a bitch if that is what you want to be! But know that I am a fighter and no matter what, I will be fighting for what I believe in and I will be fighting for my own happiness which I am going to get no matter what!”